I interviewed my dad on video in his final weeks. When I asked about his work and finding meaning through helping others, he responded, "I don't think you can be focused on, 'Oh gee, I want to make a difference.' It has to be spontaneous. If it's not...there's some kind of egotistical thing going on. That's a red flag. You hope you impact people on the deepest level you are capable of at the time. Sometimes you hit it, sometimes you don't. You're trying.”
― Lisa Shannon, A Thousand Sisters: My Journey into the Worst Place on Earth to Be a Woman
I have not written a blog in quite awhile... This has been an extraordinarily busy time for us! It hasn't been just a busy time-- it has been a time of heightened emotions, and when I am in that kind of state it is hard to sort things out enough to present them here in a way that makes any sense to someone not living in my little world... That is the peril of retirement, I fear. My world has shrunk quite a bit, and little things can get blown out of proportion... there isn't the outside world to provide a counterbalance to what's going on internally.
Here are some things that have happened recently...
My grand daughter Addison has been staying with us overnight more often, as she is in a school system that has switched to a new schedule where the summers are greatly shortened, but there are two week breaks throughout the year. The first one, Fall Break, is this week and next. Since both her parents work, she needs all day day-care. And the day care provider they use is on vacation these two weeks as well. So, Grandma and Grandpa are watching her-- not the whole time, but a good portion of it. Additionally, her daddy, who works a lot of overtime, asked if we could take her for a couple weekends so he could take some much needed R&R. Of course we said yes. Having Addie here is a joy, but she keeps us on our toes all the time. I must get up early, have easy meals planned, and I try to have some activities planned each day to keep her busy. While we have a lot of fun, I find myself very, very tired at the end of her time with us.
Two young people I know have been diagnosed with life threatening blood cancers. Both of them are 23 years old... the unfairness of this is pretty overwhelming. The stress and grief it has caused their parents is profound. So, when one of the parents, a very good friend of mine, asked if we'd do a charity walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, I had to say yes. Especially since my father died from leukemia... Lanny joined me. The event was the Light Up the Night 2 mile walk in downtown Indianapolis. We joined a huge crowd-- maybe 5000 people-- to walk after dark through downtown Indy, carrying balloons that had lights inside them. It was an impressive sight, fun, but also quite serious. And our team raised almost $3000 for blood cancer research. I wore a photo of my dad on my shirt, and so spent some time talking about him... and that always makes me happy and grief-stricken at the same time. After over 8 years I still can't believe he's gone and I miss him.
Coincidentally, my daughter-in-law was walking in the Susan G. Komen 3 day/60 mile walk for breast cancer that same weekend in Washington, DC. I followed her progress too and am humbled by all those miles walked to raise money for breast cancer research.
My mother, who continues her fight with breast cancer, has given up driving. At age 89, she is losing both her eyesight and her hearing, and decided pretty much on her own (with some gentle nudging from her daughters) to let others do her driving. I continue to spend at least one day a week with her, having lunch together, running errands with her, and enjoying her company. We chatter like school girls. It is a bright spot in my week-- she has boundless wisdom and kindness, and I hope I can be more like her.
We have other friends and family members with concerns-- unemployment and other financial woes, health issues, struggles related to relationships... Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with how painful life can be for people. It reminds me of my own painful past, and also of my incredible good fortune in finding Lanny and building a new life with him. It isn't that easy, and sometimes life just sucks... and I so want to help everyone!!
Lanny, who has been at loose ends as the summer yard work has wound down, found an old hot rod cheap down in southern Indiana and bought it. No engine, just an old junker to those of us who don't know about hot rods. We drove down one beautiful fall day to pick it up and carry it home on a rented trailer. It now resides in the garage... and just this week he found an engine to put in it. This time he and his brother drove to get it, again in southern Indiana. And now he has all winter to tinker in his workshop, fixing up the engine and getting it running. Actually, it is going to be a very long term project, which is a great thing. He has been a happy tinkerer since he brought it home. But that leaves me to find my own entertainment... which of course I do in knitting. Many, many projects to get completed by Christmas!
And then, finally, there was the unbelievable sideshow that our government provided just recently, with the standoff on the budget, "Obamacare", and the debt ceiling. Watching this whole thing unfold on TV was difficult to watch... I kept feeling like this couldn't really be happeneing, not in my country. I am still distressed, even though it is over (for now anyway...). I have no way to organize my thoughts on it-- they have been all over the place. At one point I had almost decided perhaps I needed to run for public office-- surely someone with my common sense and pragmatism would get elected and everyone would listen to me? Ha!!
As I sit and write now, all this has brought me to a new place. As someone who has been retired for almost 3 years (yes! can you believe it??), I am feeling the nudge to get out there and do something outside my own little world, to reconnect with people "out there" a little more. I am not an idealist, and I don't need to be the head of some big charity. But with all that is going on, even in my own little world, I need to find some balance by interacting with people in the outside world. I need to get my perspective on things again-- to see that any pain in my life is nothing in comparison to what others live with-- and to also see that while pain is in plentiful supply there are also moments of joy and goodness going on out there as well. And I find an ever-increasing need to make things better, to help other people. To serve again. The interesting thing is that Lanny has felt this too. He admitted he needed something more-- that while he loved tinkering and spending time with grandkids and other family, he needed to get out and do something else... so we have been talking about what that something else is.
How does someone move from sedentary retirement to a more active one that involves the outside world and other people? At this point I have no idea... stay tuned!
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