Strong women

“If you meet a woman of whatever complexion who sails her life with strength and grace and assurance, talk to her! And what you will find is that there has been a suffering, that at some time she has left herself for hanging dead.” 

          ~Sena Jeter Naslund, Ahab's Wife, or The Star-Gazer

     My niece posted a quote on her Facebook page and dedicated it to her mother. It was about what makes a strong woman. I found myself thinking about that, and about all of the truly strong women I have known in my life. I realized there are an awful lot of them! As I thought about these women, it dawned on me that they all had something in common-- they all have suffered some kind of tragedy in their lives and overcome it.  For some it was a tragic event, the death of a loved one or the loss of a marriage. For others, it was a long-playing tragedy of living with adversity, poverty or chronic illness. The longer I live, the more of these strong women I get to know, and all of them are my heroes.

     For most of my life I was a stranger to tragedy. I was born to healthy parents who were squarely in the middle class, so we always had enough food and never feared we would lose our shelter. I had adequate health care so I could stay healthy. I received a top-notch education. It wasn't until my divorce that I learned about loss and yearning for what cannot be. I had to deal with a shattered ego too. It wasn't until I had to deal with these things that I found out how strong I really was. And while it was a very hard way to learn, I am a much better person for having learned it. I healed from the grief of the loss of my marriage and in that healing I became a different person. I am certain I am a much better human being because of it.

     I do not believe suffering to be something only women do either. There are plenty of men in my life who have suffered tragedy too.  But I do think women may have a unique way of dealing with tragedy and loss that gives us strength and endurance for it. When I was in the middle of my divorce, and really feeling like I was in a crisis, I found strength and support from my family and close friends, yes. But also from people I barely knew. It seemed that angels came out of the woodwork to help me. And in every case, these "strangers" were women who had walked the same path I was on, who knew the emotional grief and suffering it caused, and reached out to me.  Women, we are told, are natural communicators. And a lot of us are natural nurturers. Their reaching out helped me realize that I was not alone, that this was a fairly common experience and I could see they made it and knew I would too. That took a lot of the fear out of my experience, and without fear I could dig deep and analyze my life, figure out what I wanted and have courage to discard what I didn't. Their cheerleading, along with my family's, helped me realize my own self-worth and begin to see myself in a new way. From grief, fear and anger was born independence, confidence and peace.

     Life cannot be lived without some kind of tragedy happening to us. I learned three things from my own misfortunes. First, that every person has within themselves the ability to cope with these events. It is possible for each of us to not just cope, but to learn and grow and change for the better when we face and surmount challenges. Second, that every person has a story, and very often we don't know what that is. When a shop clerk or waiter is rude to us, or we see road rage happen, or someone on the telephone is not helpful, we need to remember that they may indeed be coping with tragedy or loss. And third, because I experienced help and support from people I barely knew,  I feel it is my responsibility to try to help others who may be experiencing something similar. To "pay it forward" if you will. Sometimes I can help. Other times I can't because that person is not ready for help. I have learned that I must make the offer without any expectation of the other person's response. And I should keep offering.

     The ability to learn from what life throws at us makes us not only wise, but also stronger and more resilient for the next life event. Because women collectively seem to be better at communicating with one another, we are uniquely suited to help one another cope with tragedy. That makes us stronger both collectively and as individuals. Strong women are wonderful examples to our sons and daughters... and to our grandchildren too. And perhaps inspirational to our male counterparts. And when we can face what life throws at us with strength and grace, we will be happier people too.

Here is the quote my niece shared with her mother (Thank you, Kasey!):

A strong woman is one who feels deeply 

and loves fiercely

Her tears flow just as abundantly 

as her laughter...

A strong woman is both soft 

and powerful

She is both practical 

and spiritual...

A strong woman 

in her essence

is a gift to the world...

   Amen!