Letting go...

My boys off to school - 2nd and 5th grades back in 1989

The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles.  A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom.  The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard.  

     ~Sloan Wilson

     I  heard from a cousin recently who is struggling with saying goodbye to her oldest daughter, who is moving far from home to pursue her dream career. How can my child move so far away? How will she manage this very demanding and difficult profession? Will I ever see her?? Meanwhile, my daughter-in-law, mother of two toddlers, was struggling with how fast they were growing and sharing her angst over how difficult it will be someday to mother them as adolescents.

     This got me thinking about my own boys, and how difficult it was to let them go too. I had a friend tell me one time that being a mother meant inevitable heartache. Life itself has heartaches and it hurts worse to watch our children suffer them than it does to suffer ourselves. And our entire world has been built around raising them... how can we suddenly just stop doing that? Fortunately, children do not just run off one day. Their childhoods are a series of events that force moms to let go. It can be heartbreaking...

One of my favorite photos of me and my boys, taken when Mike was 4 and Matt was 7

     Being old, and having had to let my chicks leave the nest, has given a little perspective I'd like to share.

     First of all, I LOVE being a mom. Each of my babies was welcomed joyfully, tearfully, into my heart and life. Those early days of caring for a newborn are still a bit cloudy, as the sleep deprivation was unremitting and severe... but to this day I can remember the first moments of each of my boys' lives, when they cried and how they looked and how happy I was. I look at photos from those early days and tear up remembering first birthdays, how each of them took first steps, other important family times and milestones. I remember funny things each of them said, and how different they were in temperament and personality. I remember preschool times, little league baseball and basketball (we were in Indiana, after all!), school events, birthday parties, Christmases, vacations "up to the lake".  They were wonderful kids, and I loved spending time with them as they grew.

Happy Birthday Matt and Mike, ages 8 and 5

Intent learning about the human body at the Chicago Field Museum, ages 9 and 6

Baseball! One of my favorites, a trip to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play, ages 9 and 12

Spring break in Washington, DC when Matt was 13 and Mike was 10

     In time, each of them had to leave the nest. Matt went away to college on the east coast. While there he met Amanda. He decided to pursue his career in that area and has never looked back. He has his family there now-- and he is still the same wonderful kid, all grown up. Watching him care for his family, which includes his wife and two small sons, makes up for my not having as much time to spend with him.

     Mike attended a school in Florida, and was away for over a year. He returned to Indiana with a new significant person in his life-- and eventually married Leslie. He made a home here and is working and going to school, and together with Leslie he is raising their daughter, Addison. He has grown into a wonderful man and is a great dad... I am thrilled they are close to me, but there are still the separations of busy schedules.

   I also remember being a young woman, leaving for college, then for my first job. I was eager to get started on my life, idealistic and enthusiastic. Eventually I married and had my own family, and until they moved to Indiana later in their retirement, I did not live in the same state as my parents for any of my adult life.  I know it was hard for my mother to let me go-- she and I have talked about it.

     With that perspective, it seems that having our chicks grow up and leave is healthy and inevitable, and even desirable. I am even going to say it is required for them to fully grow to adulthood. For us moms, there is some grief in that.  But the alternative isn't a good one either-- there is also grief in having children who can't seem to quite finish growing up. So, if we face this honestly, we really do want and need our children to grow up and leave our nest.

     There is one consolation though... one that I have only recently discovered-- GRANDCHILDREN!  So to all the moms out there who are mourning their chicks leaving the nest, it'll be okay. Your chicks will grow up to be independent, productive hens and roosters, and if you are lucky, they will bring some new chicks back to your nest once in awhile. This grandma hen is clucking!!!!

Grandma Barb with her chicks. That is Mike and family on left, Matt and family on right. A year or so later we welcomed William to the family. Three new chicks to love and cluck over!!!

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?
      ~Dr. Seuss

    

Happy Spring!!

The year's at the spring
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hillside's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in His heaven -
All's right with the world!
~Robert Browning

Thanks to our neighbors, the Boones, the edge of our woods is a beautiful spring garden!

     I love spring!  Usually it arrives after a long and tiresome, gray and cold winter. There are days above freezing when snow and ice melt followed by a few more sunny days that are ever warmer until finally the bulbs appear, the flowering shrubs burst into bloom.

     Not this year. 2012 is The Year Without A Winter, at least in Indiana. We had virtually no snowfall at all, few truly cold days below freezing. And spring has burst upon us with warm, sunny days that have forced the bulbs and shrubs into very early blooms. The birds are singing, the world is a beautiful place right now.

     Part of me is troubled by this. Reports of global warming make me uneasy. I have heard we will pay for an early spring with a long, dry and very hot summer. Draught is never fun and can be scary... And I also can remember late spring ice storms and snows that ruined all the spring flowers.

     The latest forecast is for at least a week more of very warm weather, sometimes some rain, but always warm. Last night we sat on our deck and admired the flowering shrubs (forsythia and star magnolia) in our own yard while listening to the neighbor's children play outside until sunset.  We slept with our bedroom windows open and I was awakened this morning by the songs of the birds. And it occurred to me that every day is a gift from God. Spring is one of His best gifts, I think. Who am I to argue with that? So, while not discounting the environmental issues, I am going to thoroughly enjoy this early spring!!

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

~ Psalm 118:24

Oh yes, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to all!!!

Wander Indiana!

 

"The Crossroads of America" (Official)
The Indiana state motto was adopted in 1937. The Indiana Department of Administration explains the meaning behind the Indiana state motto as such: 

"The Crossroads of America' signifies the importance of waterways, railroads, highways and other transportation facilities in the state, viewed by many as some of the finest in the nation."

      Back in the 1980's, the State of Indiana had a big tourism promotion.  They came up with the slogan "Wander Indiana" and then publicized it, to the point where it appeared on Indiana state license plates. The slogan was the cause for some derision, as a lot of people thought the plates looked like we were from the State of Wander. I thought of this today as I downloaded some photos I took yesterday doing just that-- wandering Indiana.

      My husband and I decided yesterday that it was such a wonderful day weather-wise, we ought to take advantage of our newfound retirement freedom and go out and enjoy it. We hopped in the car and headed to northern Indiana Amish country-- about a 3 hour drive.  I had read some great information online about the Arts and Earth Heritage Trail that roams through the area with lots of unique shops in a rural setting. 

Just north of Kokomo, Indiana... we did not stop...

     Off we set, avoiding interstate roads in favor of red and gray roads (look on your map... the red ones are the roads that are divided and have a median, the gray roads are two lanes, usually  county roads. It was on the gray roads that we saw many Amish buggies and beautiful whitewashed farms. We stopped in 5 or 6 towns and at little businesses along the way. The Yoder Popcorn store, Country Lane Bakery, a quilt store, an old Dime Store... just places to nose around (in the case of the popcorn store and the bakery, "nosing around" meant literally enjoying the wonderful aromas of the products sold there!) We came home with some hand thrown pottery, a bunch of different kinds of candy, two kinds of cookies, some bread and dinner rolls, a bottle of home made salad dressing, limburger cheese (oh yes... it is FABULOUS!!) and information on a quilt wall hanging we are contemplating for the entryway in our home.

The Dime Store in Wakarusa, Indiana is known for old fashioned and often hard to find candy!

This is just the salt water taffy display! We also found candy cigarettes (I'm not kidding!) and wax lips... the candy of my childhood!

All I wanted was the ears on this solid chocolate bunny... just the ears... but it wasn't for sale!

     We did not take a map. I am a map reader from way back, but our car now has a GPS system built in, and it seems to perform very well. I love reading maps, and discovered yesterday that one advantage to a printed map is that you can look at "the big picture" more easily than you can on GPS. But, we left the map at home, forgotten in our rush to get going earlier in the day. When it was time to come home, we set the GPS for our home coordinates, and a route was almost instantly plotted out. Actually, GPS gives two routes, one that is the shorter distance and one that is the shorter time. We chose the shorter distance, and off we went... it all was working fine till we came upon a sign indicating there was a bridge out ahead that the GPS did not have in its data banks. Refiguring a route around the bridge proved to take more knowledge than I had, but I fiddled and fiddled. Finally we had a route figured out. It was the shortest distance around the bridge route. However, our GPS system, (whom I have nicknamed "Margaret"-- my first car was named Margaret and since this has a woman's voice, I of course thought of the name right away...) does not understand the difference between good gray roads and really, really awful ones. Too narrow, no berm, many potholes... At one point we were actually on a frontage road that drove for miles next to a divided highway... <sigh>

     Thank goodness for daylight savings time, as we ran out of daylight about 3 hours into our 4+ hour trip home. By the time we couldn't see where we were we were close enough we could figure out the route ourselves. And we did indeed "Wander Indiana"!!

     And here are some interesting facts I learned along the way:

• Believe it or not, there is a continental divide in Indiana. At least that is what the road sign claimed along State Road 19 just north of Nappanee. There is no flatter place on God's green earth than this part of Indiana... I have no idea how water knows which way to flow there!
• Many of the items in the bigger "Amish" gift shoppes came from China
• Amish farms are smaller and more close together than I had envisioned. But they are neat, white, very handsome places.
• Yesterday must have been wash day. We saw more wash drying in the sun than I have seen in a long, long time!
• There are more horses grazing in Amish country than cows. Most are huge draft horses and we saw some miniature ponies as well. 
• Amish buggies and pony carts and wagon teams were out in force yesterday-- and the horses pulling the wagons were all lively stepping and looked pretty happy to be out and about. So were the people inside them!

We saw many of these buggies out on the roads.

Isn't this horse handsome? He had stuck his head over the wire fence and was so friendly I had to snap his picture.

     Well, here's to wanderlust, whether it be in Indiana or elsewhere. And to warm spring days!  I hope everyone gets the chance to enjoy the spring weather in whatever way brings a smile to your face!

Love the second time around!

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
- Martin Luther

      Today is Lanny and my 7th wedding anniversary! I tend to be pretty sentimental, so I have spent the bulk of the morning remembering our day... the weather, who was there, how I felt, what I did before the ceremony. It was a day etched in my memory as wonderful. As has our marriage been to me.

     Lanny and I both were married before, in what were relatively unsuccessful marriages. Mine ended in divorce after 26 years of trying hard but ultimately failing, and his ended with the death of his first wife after 32 years of trying hard. We both learned a lot about ourselves and what we wanted from another partner, and both of us were a little afraid at first to try.

     We met via an online dating service-- something I never expected I would do. Even my mother shakes her head at the notion! However, my best friend who was single at the time helped me "learn the ropes" and I found I was enjoying the company of some very nice men. Nobody special, but certainly a way to get out once in awhile. Then... I met Lanny.

     We exchanged emails for several weeks before we met, then had a few telephone conversations. We met at a local brewpub for dinner. It was a warm late summer evening, with a full moon, so when we were offered seating "al fresco" we took it. We had a good meal, and even better conversation. The sun set, the moon rose. Still we talked. Closing time was 10 pm, and since it was a weeknight and I had to be at work early the next morning, we reluctantly said our goodbyes when the restaurant closed. The attraction between us was instant and electric... and it seemed we could talk forever! It felt easy and comfortable and yet exciting...

     There were a lot more dates and ultimately we decided to get married. Lanny proposed by taking me to a lake house in Michigan for a long weekend-- but only after he had spoken to my father and mother and obtained their consent. Our children were okay with the idea too, so we set the date. I was in the middle of a tremendously time-consuming job at the time-- opening up a new hospital-- so we decided to set the wedding date for 3 months after the hospital was opened. Hopefully by then the stress of opening would have subsided a bit and I could enjoy some time off.

     We were married in the chapel at Clarian West Medical Center (now IU Health West) by the chaplain there, Beth Newton Watson. She was also a good friend, and has remained so since. My matron-of-honor was my dear friend Kathy Wodicka, and Lanny's best man was his best friend Mike Carrico. Other than our close friends, only immediate family were there, so it was a small group that sat together in that chapel and celebrated afterwards with brunch at a local restaurant. 

     The following day we left for a week long trip to Sedona, Arizona and Las Vegas, Nevada. Sedona is "red rock country" known as much for its art as for its scenery. Our weekend in Las Vegas at the end of our trip was more than enough to convince us both that it is not a dream destination-- we just aren't drinkers and gamblers. We did see a Cirque du Soleil show that was fabulous there!

We had a sunrise balloon ride with a champagne breakfast in Sedona!

     So many wonderful memories of that early time in our marriage, but we have seen and done so many other things since that I can honestly say our entire marriage has been a wonderful trip. Mostly though, we still find we can sit and talk forever about anything and everything, and that the thrill of that early courtship is still there. We are comfortable together, yes... but we also are excited and invigorated by each other. The love has grown exponentially  since that first day!

This is us on our honeymoon... we're still grinning!!

     With Chaplain Beth's help we wrote our own vows. I would like to close with the benediction she spoke at our wedding-- it has been a guiding force in our marriage:

God keep you in love with each other so that His peace abides in your home.  May your home be a place of happiness for all who enter it, a place where all are renewed in each other’s company, a place for growing, understanding and laughter. When shadows and darkness creep in, may it remain a place of hope, strength and love. May those who are nearest to you be constantly enriched by the beauty and bounty of your love for one another.  AMEN!

 And thank you God, for bringing this wonderful man into my life. I pray I always treat him with the love and respect he deserves and he shows me every moment we are together. As we tell one another all the time, "We are the luckiest two people on this earth!"

Happy Birthday, Daddy

My beloved father, Edward Howes

     Today would have been my father's 84th birthday. He died almost 7 years ago after a very brief illness and I still grieve his passing and think about him every day. I was very close to him, as I am to my mother. I am very glad I still have my mom here with me! I feel very lucky to have been raised in the home that he and my mother provided my sister and I. Under their guidance I think I grew into a loving, productive person of integrity. At least that is what I aspire to, and hope that on some level they are as proud of me as I am of them.


     My father grew up during the Great Depression, the son of frugal but industrious parents. His father was always employed during those troubled years, so he did not know grinding poverty. But times were tough and his family had to be as frugal as anyone. He was young enough that while he enlisted in the Navy during World War II, he never saw battle action because the war ended before he could get there. I think that helped him maintain his strong sense of humor.

     Dad's sense of humor was legend, at least some of which was inherited from quirky parents. I remember him dressing up in my grandmother's nightgown for a Halloween party one time, and in a gorilla mask another. He described himself as a "drinking Methodist" and would look forward to cocktails with friends. If that happened to be early in the day, he would raise his glass and offer a toast that "It's after 5 pm somewhere!"  There are so many stories of his antics with friends-- riding around the town we lived in in the back of a Fiat along with about 5 of his Rotary Club friends (all large men), after placing a large wind-up key on the back of the car. Or of hooking up a beer keg to the town park drinking fountain (our town was where Carrie Nation founded the Women's Christian Temperance Union-- devoted to getting rid of alcohol!) There are stories of boy scout camp adventures and his "war injury" when the chair he was leaning back in to eat grapes tipped over and he cut his head open. My father believed that there was humor in any situation, no matter how grave, and he tried very hard to find it, even in his last illness. I learned a lesson then-- no one wants to hear about your aches and pains. Everyone prefers a chuckle. And chuckling at your own situation can brighten up your own mood too.

     I learned other things from him-- a love of opera is one. He loved opera-- playing the Saturday matinee from the New York Metropolitan Opera on the radio as loudly as he could and singing along to his favorite arias.

     I learned about honesty-- he was above all things honest in all his dealings with people. He told me often "If you are always honest, you will never have to remember what you said to someone."  He also read and studied and discussed his Christian faith with us, and worked very hard to live up to the Christian principles he believed in. Church attendance was not an option when I was growing up-- we were required to attend and often after church there were family discussions related to the sermon. His circle of friends were usually from the church he and my mother attended.

     I learned about love of family and how important it is. He placed his family above all others, and showed us his love by not just providing for us, but he made a point to tell us every day he loved us. And hugs... he gave great bear hugs that I still miss.  And oh how he loved his grandchildren! He would call mid day from work at least weekly when my oldest son was a baby, just to see how he was. And visits were often. And he had endless ideas for play with them. He would feel the same now with his great grandchildren-- I wish so much they could have known his unconditional love, though I hope in some measure they can experience it through me.

     He was unafraid to show emotion. He had a fiery temper that would raise up when facing injustice or when he was frustrated. He also cried easily and often at patriotic music, or when he was feeling especially proud of his family. I was never prouder of myself than when he expressed tearfully how proud he was of me.

     My father was a modest man, of little consequence to world events. But he had great influence over me and my sister and the extended family. His love and example of honest living and love will hopefully live on in his children and grandchildren. I honor his memory every day of my life and hope that when my own life ends I will once again experience his presence and hear him say how proud he is of me... As I told him right before he died, if I have any insight into the nature of God as a loving Heavenly Father, it is because I was raised by a loving earthly father and mother. For that I am eternally thankful.

My parents-- Dorothy and Ed Howes

     Happy Birthday, Daddy. I miss you and love you...

   

    

"Rush-ing" to judgement

The US Capitol Building Photo courtesy of the DC SHPO

 A healthy democracy requires a decent society; it requires that we are honorable, generous, tolerant and respectful.

Charles W. Pickering

     I have lived long enough to know that discussing politics with people I don't know well is a bad idea. I tend to assume that anyone I know and like must agree with my political opinions-- and am usually so surprised to find out they don't... how can someone so nice be so wrong????

     But sometimes something happens that generates a discussion that goes way beyond simple politics and I find I simply cannot keep quiet. Such is the recent controversy surrounding Rush Limbaugh.

     For anyone who is unaware of this controversy, there was a young woman, a law student at Georgetown University, who testified before a US congressional committee on the subject of whether the government ought to compel all employers who provide health insurance to their employees to include birth control in that coverage. Georgetown University is a Catholic school, and does not include birth control medications or procedures in their health care plans offered to employees. The young woman who testified was speaking about a friend of hers who had Georgetown health care, and who could not afford to pay for birth control pills on her own. This woman needed the prescription medication to treat severe ovarian cysts, but it was denied anyway and ultimately, without treatment, she ended up having to have emergency surgery and was left unable to bear children. The young woman who testified was making the point that birth control was a woman's health issue, and to deny coverage of birth control related medications and procedures was in fact gender discrimination.

     The position of Georgetown University is that the teachings of the Catholic church say that birth control (other than "natural" methods) is a sin. Providing birth control medication or procedures to anyone-- the patients who come to their hospital or the employees who work at their university-- violates the teachings of their faith.  Forcing them to include birth control medication and procedures in their health care plan would violate the First Amendment of our Constitution.

     Politically, liberals believe that any discrimination against women related to their health, including birth control issues, is wrong and that the federal government should make such practices illegal-- essentially forcing Georgetown to include birth control in their health care  plan.  Conservatives believe that the government should not interfere in such issues, especially when there is a moral or religious objection.

     Looking at the two sides of this issue provides us with an excellent chance to hear both the conservative and the liberal opinions and to debate what the role of government is in moral or religious issues, if any. Is there a line that can be crossed that would allow the government to intervene when there is the possibility of discrimination? If so, where is that line and who gets to define it? These are all questions that should be discussed if the issue is to be settled, and the discussion must be rational, factual, and not emotional. Both sides have a strong argument and respect for the opinion of those on "the other side" is critical to figuring out what our government's role will be. That is what democracy requires!

     Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh decided that this discussion was fodder for his radio talk show. He is touted as having the most listened to talk radio program in the country, and he holds great power over the conservative political movements. I have heard political analysts say he dominates the Republican party. His reaction to this woman testifying was a diatribe that was so hateful, so outlandish it defies explanation. He told his listeners that this woman was asking "taxpayers" to pay for her birth control, and said that was essentially asking taxpayers to pay her to have sex, which made her a "slut and a prostitute". (In fact, this woman never mentioned her own health care-- she was using her friend's problems as an example... and she wasn't asking for taxpayers to pay for it, she was asking that it be included in the health care plan provided by Georgetown.) Limbaugh went on, unbelievably, to accuse this young woman of having so much sex "it is surprising she can still walk" and then he went on to say that if he as a taxpayer was going to pay for her birth control he wanted to get something in return, so she should be asked to provide video of her sexual encounters for him to view.

     The first time I listened to a recording of this diatribe I was almost physically ill. Imagine this young woman, who thought she was doing her civic duty by testifying before the congressional committee, hearing this about herself!  Of course there was an outcry from all manner of people and groups. Some were conservative, some liberal, some extremists, and some were advertisers on Rush Limbaugh's show. The outcry has been continuous. There have been organizations like the National Organization of Women who have called for cancellation of Limbaugh's show. There have been individuals on the conservative right who have come to his defense, quoting the First Amendment again on free speech. Rush Limbaugh himself has apologized, but has also enjoyed higher listener ratings because of the controversy. There has been name calling on both sides.

     And the original issue, very worthy of thoughtful debate, has been totally lost in all the clanging and shouting and uproar.

     Politics has been very divided recently. Congress has been unable to agree on even simple procedural things. Both sides accuse the other of being the impediment to progress. Moderate  Republican and Democrat members of the House and Senate have decided to not seek re-election because they are suddenly seen as outside their own parties and are ignored for important committee assignments and chairmanships. Calls for compromise by our President have been ignored and criticized as a sign of being weak or waffling on his position. Both sides have hurled terrible accusations at the other, and at the President.

     Meanwhile, there are so many important issues that need to be debated and discussed and solutions to problems found. But nothing can be done because neither side will budge.

     My hope is that the hue and cry that has come from Rush Limbaugh's diatribe will open everyone's eyes to the real foe here-- the refusal to listen to the opinions expressed on the other side and to agree that solutions will require thoughtful discussion and compromise. As one of those "American people" that has been so often quoted, I am asking each member of our government-- both liberal and conservative, Republican and Democrat and independent and Tea Party and Libertarian and everyone in between, to stop shouting your own opinions and begin the process of fact-finding and thoughtful debate and compromise. It is how our founding fathers came up with ideas like the Constitution and all the amendments in the Bill of Rights-- including the First Amendment which has been quoted so often these days. We must stay true to our democratic ideals and realize that everyone has a voice and an opinion, and finding our way through issues and problems requires more than hurling insults and sound bites-- it requires respect for the other side, an assumption that those who disagree with us are not evil, but they see issues from a different perspective. And that perspective may have the key to a solution.

     If we can't agree to at least listen to and respect the opinions of others, we risk losing our democracy all together. It really is that important.

The Bachelor vs. Real Life

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real

"When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
If I'd been out 'til quarter to three, would you lock the door?Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?"                                                                ~ John Lennon and Paul McCartney     

The Paul of my junior high dreams...

He grew up and got old, just like I did.

     When I was in junior high school I had a terrible crush on Paul McCartney. He was The Cute Beatle, and I thought he was IT. My friend Sally and I sent a big package of stuff (mostly really silly stuff -- souvenirs from where we lived, a guitar pick, anything we could imagine might appeal to them) to the Beatles in care of George Harrison's sister Louise. Sally got her address from a teen fan magazine. We got an autographed photograph back from Louise as a thank you that both of us cherished. I would trace the penned signature of Sir Paul on that photograph with my finger, imagining over and over him signing it JUST FOR ME!

     Junior High girls are nothing if not dramatic and especially love lorn. Few possess the maturity to have mature relationships with the opposite sex, yet the desire to do so is there. They spend endless hours communicating their longings to one another (on the phone, texting, emailing, etc.) I think back to that time in my life and shudder... it was so angst-filled and dramatic!

     Fast forward to this past Monday night. We were visiting my son and daughter-in-law to attend the birthday party of my youngest grandson Will. On Monday, Lanny and I  kept the two children home from daycare just to play with them and enjoy being grandparents. We had a ball, but were as glad as any parents are to see them tucked into bed that night. Monday night is when The Bachelor is on ABC, and both Amanda and Matt got hooked on it this season. Neither Lanny nor I had ever seen an episode of this program. We are hopelessly out of the loop when it comes to mainstream TV-- both of us tend to either not watch TV or choose the PBS shows that are on...

     I will apologize to Amanda and Matt and to anyone reading this who enjoys these programs. I know there are lots of you out there, as I read comments all the time on Facebook and see the stories about the show in the grocery store check-out line magazines. But I was horrified. Stunned at the premise of the show. My feminist self was just aghast.

     The premise of the program is that one man, chosen by the producers of the show, has 12 women that he must choose from to find someone to propose to. These women live together in various locations and one at a time are courted by this man. They must outdo one another to impress him with their beauty, their charm, their intellect so that he picks them from the crowd. The camera man was everywhere, recording not just the dates and interactions of this man and each of the women, but with the women interacting with each other. Predictably, one or two of the women become the bad girls, and several more are the darlings of the group. There are "cat fights" between these groups. Each woman gets her turn to be with the man in romantic settings-- plenty of beach scenes, dinners in romantic settings by candlelight. Then, after he spends time with each he must eliminate the women from the contest one by one. They are shown sobbing in the back of a limo as they are driven away.

     I am horrified on so many levels... First, what does this say about the man? How can someone know after a few contrived dates, that he likes or doesn't like a person? How can he know that this or that woman is truly the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Or is he thinking about that-- what does this say about his idea of what marriage is? How on earth can he perform in front of a camera like he does in what should be intimate moments unless these moments really have lost all meaning? And the women... I really am so sorry for these women. They are all physically beautiful and dressed and made up so that they all look like beauty queens. They put themselves on parade just like they are at a beauty pageant, but the stakes are so much higher-- for one of them, it will mean a supposedly dream wedding to a dream guy. This woman will have "won". Really? Having a heavily produced courtship to a plastic performer of a man will produce a marriage for the ages? Of course not... It is impossible to keep up the fantasy of all this in day to day living, and once the producers and the cameramen and the beaches and candles are all gone, whatever is left will be all they will have.  She ought to run to that limo!

     And what of the "loser" women? Each of them sent sobbing away in a limo, their humiliation broadcast nationwide... left with only themselves, whoever that might be, and none of the fantasy? Gee, welcome to the real world, my dears. Where you must get training and education so you can get a job. Where you must earn the money to pay for the clothes and the cars and all the stuff of your fantasies... and where real men live, men who snore and forget your birthday and say silly things that hurt your feelings... and who will want to love you for who you are instead of the plastic image portrayed on the television.

     Just as I had to eventually grow out of my fantasy of Paul McCartney, I sincerely hope these women can grow out of this junior-high notion of a fantasy world and concentrate all their talents and intellect on growing into women who have self-esteem and intellect and inner beauty as well as the physical outer beauty they seem to have been so focused on.  And I hope this young man, who seems so plastic and contrived and stuck on himself in a fantasy world, can learn that real life is demanding and a good partner will make it so much easier-- a partner who choses him because she loves who she knows him to be, not because he represents her junior-high fantasy of who she wants him to be.

     A harmless fantasy TV show? Well, maybe. Certainly for my son and daughter-in-law. But there was a live audience on the episode I watched that was entirely made up of women, most were middle aged. They all seemed to be very emotionally invested in the goings on. That reminds me so much of junior high girls who are all so dramatically involved in the love lives of their fantasies... I hope these woman can each go back to their own life after the show taping and be satisfied that whatever it is, however imperfect and non-fantastic it might be, it is real. It is their own to make of what they can. Junior high is long gone. We gotta grow up sometime!

Happy Birthday to Will!

The Birthday Boy, in all his glory?

     Yesterday family and friends gathered to wish our youngest member, William Edward Schoch, a Happy First Birthday. As with all first birthdays, the guest of honor was an unpredictable but charming guest. And as always, William stole his grandmother's heart!

     I made several discoveries during his party and afterwards that I think Will would like me to share with you.  Here is what I learned from a newly one year old:

1.  When grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins arrive, even if you don't remember them, make sure you smile and act like you do!   

2.  Make sure you take a nap before the big event. You will need the extra energy to help you get through it!

3.  Be willing to let your Mom and Dad make you wear a stupid hat, no matter how humiliating it will appear when you look at the photos at age 15.

4.  Share your new toys with your brother, and any other children who are at your party.

5.  Don't be afraid of birthday candles!

6.  Cake is delicious... seriously, this is the best stuff ever... especially the icing, especially the blue stuff. The best way to eat birthday cake is to "just do it!" and jump in.

7.  You don't have to share it with your brother!

8.  Ignore all the clicking and flashing cameras. Just eat more cake!

9.  When the party is over, take a nap!

Happy Birthday, dear sweet Will!!

True Confessions of a Speed Demon...

                                            

     Yesterday I drove down to visit with my mother and have lunch with her. I do this at least once a week, and take the same route every time. It takes about 45 minutes to get from my home to hers. Yesterday though, I had a delay in the route as I drove through the town of Plainfield, Indiana...

     I got a speeding ticket. I was clocked going 56 mph in a 40 mph zone by one of Plainfield's finest. The area I was in was a two lane rural road, one of many in the county in which I live. I drive them all the time, and rarely pay attention to my speed when I do. It was a beautiful day, sunny and bright, and I had the radio on. I was full of thoughts about pretty much everything except how fast I was going. So, when the cop approached the driver's side of the car and said, "Ma'am, I have stopped you for speeding. I clocked you going 56. Were you aware the speed limit was 40 here?" I answered without thinking, "No Officer, I thought the speed limit was 55 here."

     Now as I said, I drive this route at least weekly. I knew very well the speed limit was not 55. I have no idea why I blurted this out-- it simply was not true. The cop's eyebrows shot up, and you guessed it, he wrote me a ticket. As well I deserved. I had not only been violating the speed limit, but I totally had lied to him about why. And I know better.

     I was raised by parents who preached honesty. I can hear my father saying, "Barb, if you always tell the truth you will never have to remember a single thing you say..." As I have traveled through life the wisdom in this has always shone through. Above all, I have wanted to be honest. I tried in raising my children to teach them the same thing. And I also believe that a person's integrity shines the brightest when she thinks no one is looking... such as when faced with a traffic violation on a country road... Shame on me!

     In thinking about all this, I am reminded of an incident that occurred last fall on our vacation out to the mountains. We were driving along a mountain river known for white water rafting, and stopped at a place where they launch the rafts. The water was high and fierce, and I wanted some photos. There were steep steps down to the launch and we were both down there when a family pulled up in a van and got out. There was a mom and dad and two school aged children. One, a boy of about 9 or 10, decided to throw some rocks from the parking lot area down towards the river. The problem was, he hit me with one of them-- just on my leg and it didn't do any damage. But, it hurt and I yelled. The father saw what happened, and next thing I knew, the boy was climbing down the steps towards me. He looked scared to death, and very, very serious. He kind of sucked in his breath when he got close to me and then apologized for throwing the rock. I knew my reaction would be important for this boy, so I was very serious in my reply. I told him that I was very thankful he had come to apologize, that it was the right thing to do, and that I knew he had learned that throwing rocks could hurt people and he wouldn't do it again. He nodded, and I thanked him. He ran back to his father, and the family got back in the van and drove away. Lanny and I both commented on how grateful we were that this father had held his son accountable in this way.

     Like that young boy, I need to be held accountable for my behavior. I am admitting to you all my guilt and like that young boy, I promise I won't do it again...