Letting go...

My boys off to school - 2nd and 5th grades back in 1989

The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles.  A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom.  The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard.  

     ~Sloan Wilson

     I  heard from a cousin recently who is struggling with saying goodbye to her oldest daughter, who is moving far from home to pursue her dream career. How can my child move so far away? How will she manage this very demanding and difficult profession? Will I ever see her?? Meanwhile, my daughter-in-law, mother of two toddlers, was struggling with how fast they were growing and sharing her angst over how difficult it will be someday to mother them as adolescents.

     This got me thinking about my own boys, and how difficult it was to let them go too. I had a friend tell me one time that being a mother meant inevitable heartache. Life itself has heartaches and it hurts worse to watch our children suffer them than it does to suffer ourselves. And our entire world has been built around raising them... how can we suddenly just stop doing that? Fortunately, children do not just run off one day. Their childhoods are a series of events that force moms to let go. It can be heartbreaking...

One of my favorite photos of me and my boys, taken when Mike was 4 and Matt was 7

     Being old, and having had to let my chicks leave the nest, has given a little perspective I'd like to share.

     First of all, I LOVE being a mom. Each of my babies was welcomed joyfully, tearfully, into my heart and life. Those early days of caring for a newborn are still a bit cloudy, as the sleep deprivation was unremitting and severe... but to this day I can remember the first moments of each of my boys' lives, when they cried and how they looked and how happy I was. I look at photos from those early days and tear up remembering first birthdays, how each of them took first steps, other important family times and milestones. I remember funny things each of them said, and how different they were in temperament and personality. I remember preschool times, little league baseball and basketball (we were in Indiana, after all!), school events, birthday parties, Christmases, vacations "up to the lake".  They were wonderful kids, and I loved spending time with them as they grew.

Happy Birthday Matt and Mike, ages 8 and 5

Intent learning about the human body at the Chicago Field Museum, ages 9 and 6

Baseball! One of my favorites, a trip to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play, ages 9 and 12

Spring break in Washington, DC when Matt was 13 and Mike was 10

     In time, each of them had to leave the nest. Matt went away to college on the east coast. While there he met Amanda. He decided to pursue his career in that area and has never looked back. He has his family there now-- and he is still the same wonderful kid, all grown up. Watching him care for his family, which includes his wife and two small sons, makes up for my not having as much time to spend with him.

     Mike attended a school in Florida, and was away for over a year. He returned to Indiana with a new significant person in his life-- and eventually married Leslie. He made a home here and is working and going to school, and together with Leslie he is raising their daughter, Addison. He has grown into a wonderful man and is a great dad... I am thrilled they are close to me, but there are still the separations of busy schedules.

   I also remember being a young woman, leaving for college, then for my first job. I was eager to get started on my life, idealistic and enthusiastic. Eventually I married and had my own family, and until they moved to Indiana later in their retirement, I did not live in the same state as my parents for any of my adult life.  I know it was hard for my mother to let me go-- she and I have talked about it.

     With that perspective, it seems that having our chicks grow up and leave is healthy and inevitable, and even desirable. I am even going to say it is required for them to fully grow to adulthood. For us moms, there is some grief in that.  But the alternative isn't a good one either-- there is also grief in having children who can't seem to quite finish growing up. So, if we face this honestly, we really do want and need our children to grow up and leave our nest.

     There is one consolation though... one that I have only recently discovered-- GRANDCHILDREN!  So to all the moms out there who are mourning their chicks leaving the nest, it'll be okay. Your chicks will grow up to be independent, productive hens and roosters, and if you are lucky, they will bring some new chicks back to your nest once in awhile. This grandma hen is clucking!!!!

Grandma Barb with her chicks. That is Mike and family on left, Matt and family on right. A year or so later we welcomed William to the family. Three new chicks to love and cluck over!!!

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?
      ~Dr. Seuss