A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.
~Lois Wyse
Facebook can be a nuisance, but it certainly has shrunk the world so that those who visit the site regularly can feel connected in a very new way. I tend to spend a portion of my morning on the computer, reading and answering emails, and reading many new Facebook entries. Now that I am not working every day (where I was surrounded by people to the point where getting work done could be hard!) I can connect with old friends, coworkers, and family daily. I don't feel isolated. Sometimes I can connect with strangers by reading a post that one of my friends shared.
Recently there have been some posts by young mothers on the stresses of being a parent. I found myself on another blog, written by a young mother, that wrote about how difficult it is to be a mom these days. The point this young mother was making was that too many new moms try to be perfect -- they work outside the home, and try to make life inside the home healthy, educational, nurturing mind and body. They try to cram in way too many activities and try to make certain their children have every advantage in life-- the perfect preschool environment, the perfect combination of physical and mental exercise, art appreciation, and on and on... She admonished mothers to realize that no matter what they did with or for their kids, if they loved them and showed it, they were going to be good moms. She did point out that today's mother is forging new ground in this area in that they are the first generation to have to make so many choices and to feel such incredible pressure to be a skilled parent, yet were finding themselves mostly outside the old circle of women (mothers, aunts, sisters, etc.) that used to help new moms parent.
As you can imagine, there were a few rebuttals from the moms of older generations! Some were a little rude, but there were references to Dr. Spock's how-to book on raising children that helped raise kids in the 50's and 60's, and there was the women's lib era where women had to choose between staying at home with the kids and going out into the work force. I suspect each generation of moms thinks that it must have been the hardest when they were in the trenches. I recently attended a baby shower where the older women in the group marveled at all the new gadgets. Comments like, "How did we ever raise our children without one of those??" come to mind. (And as an old L&D nurse, I do remember the days before epidurals... don't get me started on that!)
Here are my thoughts, as an aging mother and fairly new grandmother:
I don't think parenting is easy, no matter when it occurs or what tools are around to help. This is because we are connected to our children in such an intense way that no matter how much we try, nothing we do can be quite enough. A wise coworker long ago told me, "Barb, to be a parent is to feel guilt!"
It is only with the gift of grandchildren have I been able to put things in better perspective. As a grandmother, I do not feel the heavy responsibility of raising my grandchildren. This allows me to simply relax and enjoy them as the unique and delightful creatures they are! It also allows me to see that children need discipline along with love. Obviously this is a parent's job, if they are around. But when I'm alone with a grandchild who misbehaves it's my job. And because I am not with them all the time I don't feel anger when they misbehave. I can react with patience. I think this is what makes grandparents (or aunts or uncles or other special people) an essential in a child's life! And it is a challenge to those of us as grandparents to not try to "raise" the grandkids... just enjoy them and provide gentle discipline when necessary. We do have to mind our kids, too. That is, we can't do things with or for our grandkids that they would disapprove of.
The separation of extended families can make this difficult. It certainly does in my case, with 2 of my 3 grandkids living out of state. I often wish I lived closer to them not only so I can see them more often, but so I could provide more support to their parents. And that brings me back to the blog I read-- I have discovered there are many, many young mothers out there who are not connected geographically but who support one another through blogging and Facebook and other social media. Sharing the realities of modern day parenting with one another can provide such a sense of "I'm not in this alone..."
In the end, I think the idea that loving your children and doing the best you can to make them safe and healthy is really all that is essential. Children love their parents as intensely as their parents love them, and they don't really care if they don't get typing lessons. They just want to know they are loved and safe. All those lessons and play dates and trips to museums are icing on the cake. And don't forget grandparents... we are important too!
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