Lessons from Adolescence

The hardest thing about adolescence is that everything seems too big. There's no way to get context or perspective, ..... Pain and joy without limits. No one can live like that forever, so experience finally comes to our rescue. We come to know what we can endure, and also that nothing endures. 
          ~ Sara Paretsky, Bleeding Kansas

I was reminded today of a painful time in my adolescence. I am not going to give specifics, but suffice it to say that there was a time in my young life when I was unhappy and felt pretty alone. It was a short time, and is something that has never dominated my life or my self confidence. I was very lucky in that I had a loving family who helped me over the bump-- and I was able to remove myself from the situation that was making me so miserable. Life went on, and so did I. I "got over it"...

Also today, Lanny and I were having a discussion that turned a bit serious, and we were both worrying about our offspring. They are doing fine, but as parents we see the bumps in their roads and want to help smooth them out. That is what parents tend to want to do.

As I thought about it, I realized two things. First, without those bumps in the road of my adolescence, I might not have been able to weather the really big bumps that came later in life with my divorce. Those feelings of being alone and unwanted could have been my undoing-- except that I had experienced them before and had tackled them by simply putting one foot in front of another and "getting over it".

So, the second realization I had was that Lanny and I cannot solve our kids' problems for them. To do so might make life easier in the present, but it just might deprive them of a learning experience that would help them over a bigger bump later on.

That doesn't mean we don't help them out when we can. Helping is one thing-- solving things for them is another. And lest you wonder, both Lanny and I spoke today of how proud we are of our kids. They are all doing well, living independently and contributing good things to the world. And someday, if they ask for advice about their own kids, I'll tell them to love and support them, but NOT to fix all their problems... but that's another blog post!

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

          ~Ron Taffel

The confidence and happiness I find in my life now is partially due to learning the hard way how to deal with the bumps life threw at me. The same is true for Lanny.