An "exercise" in humiliation?

If I were to draw on a paper what gym does for me, I would make one dot and then I would erase it.

          ~ Elizabeth Berg, Joy School

Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

         ~Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak 

Even cute, athletic girls hated these stupid gym suits...

WHY is this child smiling????? The rope is a pointless, agonizing adventure in humiliation... 

     Recently it seems everyone I know is training for an athletic endeavor of some kind or is engaging in some kind of physical activity. The spring weather brings out the need to get out there and move. I can't do much because my foot is still recovering from Achilles tendon surgery and remains in a brace. Running, even long bouts of walking, are still forbidden by the surgeon. I find myself a little envious of those who are out there moving. This will be a surprise to pretty much everyone who knows me... I have never enjoyed participating in sports or in very much at all in the way of strenuous physical excercise. Why?

     Well, after a lot of time recovering from surgery spent sitting with the foot up, I think I know. It all goes back to my early schooling and the dreaded gym class...

     I was always one of the "larger" girls in my grade. Not horribly obese, but large and not very athletic. My feet seemed to be made of lead-- couldn't run fast, couldn't jump, couldn't dance very well. I was surrounded by smaller, thinner kids who could do all of those things much better. Or so it seemed. As a little kid though, I loved recess. I loved playing outside.

     It all started downhill in the fifth grade. That's when the girls and boys were separated in gym, and the girls were given the ugliest gym suits to wear. They were navy blue one piece deals that snapped down the front. We were expected to change into and out of these suits in a locker room in front of all the other girls. That was when the comparisons started and the humiliation began.

     It continued in the class itself. There was that rope. Once a year we were supposed to learn how to climb the stupid thing. I couldn't even get a good enough hold on it to stay attached at the bottom. It was scratchy too. How in the world was I supposed to climb to the gym ceiling and back down? and what was the point of this anyway-- even then I could not fathom myself being in a situation that would require me to climb a rope like this??  Other events were timed events that I was usually one of the last to finish. And then once a year we would have a section on Dance. The girls and boys classes would come together for this one, but since there were always more girls than boys and I was inevitably one of the tallest girls, I spent Dance class paired with other, much shorter girls. And to this day, when my husband and I dance, I try to lead.  Gymnastics? Oiy... I could never do a cartwheel or a forward roll straight... and the "horse" jumping combined everything I was bad at:  running, jumping and being graceful at the end. And I had to do it in front of other girls... Mercifully, at least, the boys were not around.

     None of this seemed to have any bearing on my overall physical fitness. I did not learn to enjoy using my body athletically or becoming stronger by exercise. I did not learn how to stay fit with cardio workouts and resistance training. This was the stuff that would have applied to living a healthy life forever... and not only did I not learn it, but I learned to associate all things related to physical activity with humiliation. As a result, I have spent most of my life avoiding it... As the mother of two sons I should have been out there with them, and instead we had a "house rule" that said:  Mommy does not run. Don't make her run, she'll get grouchy.

     Now, in my advancing years, I want to be stronger and to be able to still enjoy some physical activiity. As a nurse I know that I will be much healthier and live longer if I do. What I am learning is that physical activity can be enjoyable and should be tailored to the individual. Comparing one's self to someone who is vastly more fit and athletic (and thus physically more attractive than I...)  should have no meaning or bearing on my own self image. That is requiring undoing a lifetime of negative feelings about this... and is an ongoing project. I am hopeful that soon the brace will come off my foot and my husband and I can embark together on a mutual effort to get out there and move. Walking is first on the agenda-- we have some great walking trails near us. Wish us luck!!