Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.-Carl Bard
Yesterday evening Lanny and I were sitting on our bed watching some TV when the date was mentioned for some reason and it hit me. It was the wedding anniversary of my first marriage. I had totally forgotten. Wow... how times have changed! I didn't think much more about it last night, but this morning I am full of thoughts.
Of course there are the memories of that event for me and of the person involved. These are always bitter sweet, sometimes more bitter, sometimes even now a little sweet. I was only 23, so young, so mindless.
That marriage produced two wonderful sons and lasted a good long while. I did not want it to end when it did as the breakup of the family tore at this mother's heart to the point of breaking it. The loss of a spouse was very hard, but the loss of a family was inconceivable to me. That I would participate in the losing of it was unthinkable.
Without going into all the angst and reasons for the split, I will also say that it was by far the most painful thing I have experienced. It sucked joy and happiness like a black hole... nothing looked or felt or tasted or sounded the same after that for a long time. My confidence at every level was shattered. And I was lonely. Bone chillingly lonely. Stir crazy lonely.
That time in my life is very painful to remember, but it provided me with a perspective and self-awareness that I do not believe I would otherwise have had. To experience emotional pain at that level makes one so much wiser! Of course I cannot say that I completely understand someone else's painful life events, but I can say I have experienced one of my own. So, when a friend loses a spouse, or is in the middle of a divorce, I have a much better understanding of what they are feeling. Not the same thing - it can't be. But I have known my own pain and it makes a difference.
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| A photo of me and my boys taken during this very difficult time. You can see the stress on our faces, I think. |
Looking back now though, the wisdom of the split is what has outlasted the pain. I can see that former life in a little more perspective and it was not happy. It took huge effort on my part to begin to move forward again, but this time I did it a much wiser woman than that 23 year old was. And slowly, the sadness, loss of self-confidence and loneliness receded. I emerged with more confidence than I ever had, and created my own world of friends.
Staying "stuck" in that pain was not an option. I had to change my life. I knew I would go mad if I stayed angry and lonely. I set to work on myself through some counseling, and I made some new friends. I set out on my own, taking two vacations-- one with my best friend on a cruise ship and one alone after a nursing conference in my car. Eventually I started to socialize with men again and met the wonderful person I am now married to. This time I moved forward into a marriage as a much wiser woman, and I have never regretted that choice a single moment. There is joy aplenty now... so much that my heart overflows at times. I am sure my sons still miss that cohesive family unit that was lost, but they have moved on to create families of their own.
I tell this painful story for several reasons. First, because it is a part of who I am. Any time I reveal that I am in a second marriage that is only 7 years old, there is a curiosity shown about what must have happened. And second, I tell it because I know there are plenty of people out there who are in the middle of painful episodes in their own lives. I want them to know that if you endure, and pay attention, you will emerge from it wiser, but hopefully with more confidence. And you can move forward to new happiness and joy. You have to do the work of recovering, but if you do, the rewards are worth the pain.
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| This is Lanny and I on an early date-- what a difference a little time, a lot of hard self-reflection and work makes! It was worth the pain... |
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